Thoughts on Caring During a Crisis

What I will share here was prompted in part by watching some friends of ours who are suffering - it is not at all meant as a reprimand to anyone reading this. You prayed for us and helped us and were sensitive to our needs when I went through surgery, and we are still so grateful. Often times when people are in crisis, others will say "I would help if I knew what to do". . I thought I would share some general ideas of "how to help" others who have suffered a death in the family (remember miscarriage is a death too), accident, surgery or other hospitalization, divorce, chronic illness, disability, broken bones etc. Keep in mind that people differ and situations differ even from day to day. Try to be sensitive to their needs even if things don't make sense to you. This is about helping them, not about you fulfilling an obligation or giving them what you think they need on your time table. Never be insulted if someone refuses a visit or says no to your help on a certain day. Be flexible. Be forgiving.

It is best if you do not burden the hurting family with more to think about during a crisis e.g. decisions, timing, their ideas about what you want them to do etc. Remember they are tired and dealing with a lot. Just step in and do what you can without burdening them further. Usually this means no long visits - just drop off the meal etc. If they need to talk, listen, but otherwise do not expect them to recap all the details of things for you. Making appointments, scheduling tests, dealing with the financial fallout, changing schedules, missing work, communicating with family and friends, making difficult decisions, researching health and medication and treatment options, dealing with pain and fear, grieving, (a death opens up a whole other realm of needs) getting nutrition and handling day to day living is already more than they can handle. Their brains are full working on all these things. If children are involved, the parents have a lot of work to do taking care of their needs, explaining things, calming fears, etc.

There are times when phone calls are not helpful because time and energy are limited. Please do not expect people in crisis to return your calls. If you want to let them know you care by phoning, but they do not answer, just leave a sincere message with no need to return the call. An offer to help call other friends or family for them is often a good way to help. Sometimes they may desperately need someone to talk to. In that case, BE THERE. Try to put your needs on hold for a short time so you can listen to them, help make decisions, etc. Remember that your friend is vulnerable right now. Never share with anyone else something that was shared with you in confidence.

I hope these ideas are helpful. We continue to be blessed by your prayers and care. Since this is post ended up longer than I expected, I will try to post my ideas about specific ways to help in the next week or two.

Ellen