Transparency

Being transparent is not one of my strengths so it is with some difficulty that I share the following excerpt from my prayer journal this week.

"Here I am LORD in all my pain, weakness (both physical and soul).  I am not "up" for what today holds.  I need YOUR strength, Your will, Your purpose, Your hope...every day but I feel it keenly today.  I do not want to work on my body, healing, cleansing, juicing, Dr. appointments, researching, supplementing, suffering...I am so burned out after so many years and so many different tries at so many different approaches, therapies etc.  Pain is so bad I almost can't make myself get out of bed in the morning until my bladder can scream no longer.  It hurts to move, I can't straighten up, moving my hips to walk is unbelievably painful..."
All this is not new since surgery mind  you, it's just I don't usually share "details" of how I'm doing. So here's just a glimpse of a small piece of my puzzle.

Prayer Requests: 

• Clearer brain - ability to concentrate and set my mind on things above - some aspects of this have been worse since surgery 
• God's priorities - that I will use energy for His will and seek it with my whole heart
• Gratitude - that I will thank God for the huge number of blessings I have and name them one by one
• Praise - reminding myself constantly of who He is, what He has done, how much he loves us,  how much I need Him etc. (it's all in the Bible:) 
• Control - that I would have the self control and desire to eat right, stick to the diet and not overeat - that I would get nutrients form food and be able to digest and eliminate well.
• Spinal/muscular - pain would decrease, strength would increase, bones would stay in place (especially ribs and spine) 
• Thyroid and adrenals would heal - hot, cold internal temperature fluctuations, much hair loss, weight gain continuing, hormonal imbalances, super on alert difficulty relaxing

Other - urethra nerves would heal
             arthritis pain would subside
             teeth, jaw and TMJ pain would decrease so chewing is not so painful
             itching would not be so incessant
             extreme vertigo (dizziness like I never knew the world could spin so fast type)

I am sure this is more than most of you wanted to hear.  (And I could actually add a lot more).  Sometimes I'm not sure what I should share. Generally I feel it is better to suffer in silence but then you would have little idea of how to pray.  Sharing with some people actually brings more pain and misunderstanding - maybe those people will have stopped reading this blog by now.  One thing I've better learned through years of struggle is the "not having walked a mile in their shoes" concept that helps me realize that we really have no idea what someone elses life is truly like.  Everyone has to deal with their own set of physical limitations, personality strengths and weaknesses, relationship issues, financial stress, grief etc.  Most of the time we don't know even half of what they are faced with.  Everyone handles the challenges differently. I pray they have a relationship the the LORD so they have a strong hold on the truth.  Some do not even have that yet.

Thanks for your prayers.  Thanks for taking time to listen and care.  I challenge you to pray for someone (in addition to me) that you know is hurting.  Let them know you care in some small way this week.  It can make a huge difference.

Ellen

Hello Everyone

This is a post for those asking how I am doing.  I am grateful to be alive.  I am extremely blessed by my family.  We have a roof over our heads and food on the table.  God is true, faithful and just.  He has given me eternal life not because I deserve it ( I do not) but because his son paid the highest price to free me from sin.  I rejoice that I can trust him!

Physically, well...PAIN is super high-back, hips, neck, shoulders,ribs.  Apparently my body is having great difficulty adjusting to the eleven+ pound off center mass being gone and the fascia difference etc.  My muscles are so extremely tight making chiropractic difficult because things will not move.  I am also not sleeping well again because of pain.  As God allows, I hope to make some massage appointments to try to help.  I have gained more weight:( and am still losing hair.  I have been overdoing (for me overdoing, not for a "normal" person) school, housework and organizing partly because it hurts so badly to lie down and to keep still.  The vertigo is extreme at times.  Concentration and focusing have been difficult.
After so many years of giving time, energy and money in trying to get well, I do get weary of being ill and in pain and having to constantly work on my body.  I tire of the severe dietary restrictions and having to "pay a price" when I deviate.

Thank you all for your prayers and for caring enough to keep checking this blog.  I am not sure how much longer I will keep it going. 

Ellen